Monday, July 14, 2008
You noe, I sometimes really wonder who am I. I really can't tell anymore, what's my personality, how should I place myself in front of others, and how should i really be. It's too confusing, or after my mom told me. Like she told me I was too noisy at the briefing today, and I really wanted to tell her my school is like that, and that we really mug and do work in the audi. But there and then, it would really be too disrespectful. But why do I even think that its disrespectful? I mean, I totally don't know what I am thinking.
Chao says I should really be out going and joke like I normally do, but zichao says that I should just keep quiet like you were in Primary school and be a nice listener and not talk too much and that empty vessels make the most noise. But Chao says that if I just keep quiet, people will mistake me for being EMO and unfriendly and too shy. But zichao says that if i talk too much ppl will think I'm a flirt. I mean, they are both correct, but who should I really go with. There's no room for a comprimise...
Or, am I really such a selfish person who thinks about nobody but myself, a person who doesn't know what to do at what place or situation, a person who is just speaking rubbish all the time, a person who actually thinks friendship is superficial and is not real, or am I over possesive and protective, too suspicious of others, a person who likes to keeps secrets and distance himself from others?
Or am I a person who is really out going, a person who treasures friendship so much that doesn't bears to part with it, a person who is friendly and really nice to talk to, and a guy who actually has a niche area and who isn't a show off, a person who is like just as true to anyone no matter who they are, a person who don't use masks and keep secrets from others?
Pls talk to me. I really at a loss. Is there really something wrong with my personality, character and mindset, or am I just thinking too much? I really want to change. But, if changing means losing myself, or just a copy or shadow of others, what should I do? Or am I so much inferior to others that I need to change?
I can't deal with this dilema myself anymore. Sometimes I really feel like being one of those guy that will please my parents. I really wanna have good MSG and leadership positions and nice portfolio. I really wanna be the perfect brother for my siblings. But, sometimes you just can't do it.
Who knows what would my older sis be doing if she was born. Who knows how I will treat my brothers if my younger sis was born. I really want a sis.
I really want people to understand my feelings. But at the same time I dun like people probbing into my privacy. What should I do? Should I just act dao and don't reveal my experience, and create a bubble of protection, or should I reveal and remind myself of my painful past, but gain much more friends. But, I'm scared that people will laugh at my past, that people will make a joke out of it. But, is there any other way to get to know your friends better without understanding them?
Solve the riddle. Tell me the answer. Or that there is no solution. The question must be changed.
In my own world,
5:46 PM
